in a state of confusion

"life is never a bed of roses."

"there's no such thing as a perfect life."

"learn to look on the bright side."

"it helps to keep positive."

all these motivational sayings fall on deaf ears on a despondent person.

it has been a long time since i've spoken from the heart. it has been a long time since i've confronted the innermost spaces in my heart. it has been a long time since i've admitted to myself the many mistakes that i've made thus far.

why?

beats me.

is it the fear to admit i've lost the gamble i took? is it the fear to learn about the truth?

i really don't know. or rather, maybe, i don wish to know.

ironic?

indeed.

it's tough being an elder sister. what's more the eldest sister... the eldest child. torn between parents. torn between siblings. torn within myself. i cant figure out what's wrong. *scratches head* and i doubt i ever will. makes me think twice about having a family and kids in the future. aint the dual role of being a wife and a mom gonna be much more complex than jus being a sister and the eldest daughter? ... will i ever be ready? if not, what's the point of plunging into something?

it's better to be loved than to love.

how true. but IF ONLY human relationships were that easy to control, life probably would be less miserable.

" i miss u."

"u're damn important to me."

just a pack of lies.

i hate it.

maybe he should stop taking me for a fool. maybe he should stop deceiving himself and me. maybe he should realise it's all apparently. maybe some things just aint meant to be. maybe i've made a wrong move. maybe i took the wrong chance. maybe i had the wrong idea. maybe i had the wrong perception. maybe...

what's next?

*shrugs*

actions speak louder than words. i thought i had made him realise. boy, was i wrong... he never did, never done and never will do.

just as he can live with my absence, i'm determined to live just as well, if not better with his absence.